Skyward Sword: Behind the Scenes
by Starship Artisan
Summary: A look at what really happened in Skyward Sword. Crackfic; contains spoilers.
1. So it Begins

A/N: ...Yeah, no idea why I wrote this. ._. This is based off the beginning to Skyward Sword.

**Disclaimer:** I may have a bunch of Zelda games, but I do not actually own it...

0-0-0

"You know what has to happen now, right?" Zelda asks as she gets right up in Link's face.

"...My answers are Nope, Kind of, or Uh oh." Link replies since he apparently has an option for what to say. Zelda leaned forward a bit and just as Link was expecting it, he got a totally different response.

She pushed him off the ledge.

She left him to plummet to his impending doom off of the statue of the goddess. How mean is that! If he didn't have that stupid sailcloth he would probably die. Buuuut unfortunately for him, he ended up hitting the statue since he couldn't steer and the unknown force that was controlling him couldn't either.

"OW!" Link yelled as he landed roughly at the base of the statue.

"CUT!" The director called, "Link my man, you are supposed to land INSIDE the circle!" He scolded.

"Nobody told me or the player how to do that!" Link yelled angrily. He could hear something, and when he looked up at the statue, he could see Zelda laughing her ass off.

"YOUR FACE WAS PRICELESS!" She howled as she laughed, Link looked embarrassed and upset which only mad her laugh more. The director sighed.

"Okay guys, take two."

Link looked at him in disbelief, "I have to do that again!" He exclaimed. "Yep, since you didn't make it the first time, you have to try again!"

"Wait... How do I get back up there?" Link asked with a puzzled tone. The director pointed towards a ladder. "Use that. The player won't see it so you will magically reappear up there and do it again. But don't worry; Zelda won't push you this time." The director gave Link a pat on the back and pushed him towards the ladder. Link climbed it and cursed to himself as he did so.

Once he got to the top, the director yelled action. Zelda started to speak, "Okay, this time I won't push you." The rest of the things she said were things that didn't apply to Link so he just looked at her pretending to be interested. Like seriously, what in the world is a 'Wii remote?'

After she finished her tedious explanation that the player probably didn't read, he dashed (which made the little weird green wheel beside him fade) and jumped off the ledge to his impending doom. And since the player didn't bother to read what Zelda had said, he ended up face first far away from the circle that he was supposed to land in.

"CUT!" The director yelled again. Link got up and the director said, "Okay, so you missed this time. Get back up there!"

Link climbed the tedious ladder again, promising that someday he would push Zelda off the statue and see how she felt about it!

Once he reached the top, Zelda said, "Okay, this time I won't push you." And then began to explain the directions again, as if the brain dead player didn't comprehend them the first time.

Link jumped off the edge again and this time –apparently the player paid attention- landed right by the circle. Link sighed in relief that he was done now. But when the director yelled cut and he was told to do it again, he was not happy in the slightest.

Zelda said the exact same thing again, leaving Link extremely pissed and wanting to maim somebody. He dashed off the edge and fell- again. This time however, he was inside the circle! He thought he was home free, until the director yelled cut. AGAIN.

"OH WHAT NOW!" Link yelled as he turned to face the director. The director looked at him sternly and said, "You need to be at the exact middle of the circle!" He pointed towards to ladder and Link started to climb it again.

256 tries later (1) and the player FINALLY got it. Once he had been inside the circle, he jumped for joy. That is, until Zelda came down flying on her bird.

At this point, Link finally snapped.

"WHY COULDN'T I JUST FLY DOWN ON MY BIRD!" Link exclaimed loudly. The other minor characters gathered around.

Headmaster Gaebora walked up and addressed the director, "I was looking into the script and noticed that after Zelda get's kidnapped (big surprise) that I am not that sad, seriously, what gives? She's my daughter!" He complained.

Link, who was far too angry to deal with anyone else's problem, snapped at Gaebora, "Be quiet you stupid owl! (2) Nobody wants to listen to you and your stupid monologues and supposedly 'helpful advice' especially when you are somehow reincarnated! Yeah, don't think I don't see through your disguise!" Link ranted while waving his arms in the air.

"...Damnit..." Gaebora said, "I thought nobody would catch on to the striking resemblance and having the exact same name..." Just for old times sake, he added, "Would you like to hear that again?"

"Yes... I mean what? No!" Link shouted, but it was too late.

"I thought nobody would catch on to the strikin-" "SHUT UP!"

As this was going on, Zelda got bored and started to walk off; not before Link grabbed her, though.

"Where do you think you're going! I have to repay you for pushing me off the ledge TWICE already!" Link turned to the director, "AND YOU! Why do I have to sit here for hours before I can actually go to the Temple?" He questioned. The director shrugged and said, "Dunno, because we felt like it."

By this time, smoke was coming out of Link's ears. How he could put up with all the abuse over the 25 years he had been doing this, he didn't know.

What did he do? He freaked out.

"This is stupid! Why must I always go through a boring intro that nobody cares about? Why can't I get to the game part of the freaking game and kill some zombies, or God forbid, those ReDeads! Oh yeah, question. Do those appear in this game?" Link stopped mid rant to ask.

"No idea. The author doesn't know either. But, probably not since this game seems so light hearted and easy that we wouldn't bother to add something that has scared the pants off of children for years."

Links anger boiled down a bit at the possibility of not being screamed at, but he was still angry.

"Well... That isn't the only thing the matter! What about this!" He yelled and pointed at the green wheel beside him, "A stamina bar? Really? You made me run up walls this time which is cool, BUT A STAMINA BAR? YOU GOTTA BE FREAKING KIDDING ME! Some people enjoy watching my pain and suffering you know, and now you are going to let them watch me be totally exhausted in the wake of death? REALLY! Oh yeah, and another thing, the fact that I keep falling off edges yet the player feels NO PENALTY to watching me die is just cruel. Even when the knights save me I look like a fool! And what's this about having my shield break? Do you want me to not be able to defend myself from evil when I actually need to!" Link stopped his rant and puffed out air. He sighed, "At least there is no Navi or Midna..."

The director paled slightly, "Um... Well, you don't have to deal with either of them... But you do have a helper..." Link's eyes widened.

"W-W-Who...?"

"Master Link, I have no help for you at this time. Your enemies you have faced are 0 so I cannot do a proper analysis." Fi spoke up.

"FFFFFFFUUUUUUU"

0-0-0

1. True story.

2. My mind was blown when somebody told me this. It is actually true, too!

Playing Skyward Sword a ton + Needing to write _something_ and actually finish it + An overwhelming sense of insanity = The perfect recipe for a crackfic.

I really don't even know what this is. My fingers just typed...

Oh well, review please! I give cookies to reviewers!


	2. So it Continues

A/N: I am back with another one! I have progressed and raged through the game alllll the way to the end of the Earth Temple (which I sincerely hate) and into those stupid mines. So, I have decided to chronicle most (if not all) of the game. Yaaaay.

In all seriousness, I hope y'all enjoy!

OH! And thank you to all my lovely reviewers and -as promised- there are cookies waiting in your mailboxes.

**Disclaimer:** *sigh* I do not own Zelda.

0-0-0

Link, to put it lightly, was pissed.

It seems to be the same old Legend of Zelda game. Zelda got kidnapped, he has to save Zelda, go through a bunch of life-threatening temples and fight deadly bosses. Yippee.

After hunting for Kikwi's, fighting stupid monsters, and meeting a random Goron in the woods, Link concluded that this temple must really be special to make him run around to do all of this stuff first.

Unfortunately, it wasn't.

Skyward Temple (which, by the way, should be called the Forest Temple) was a simple temple, he went through various rooms; found rupees and items, and eventually got a kickass item. Even Link had to admit that this golden beetle was pretty cool. He even got that heart container!

Then there was the boss fight...

Ghirahim, to put it bluntly, could die for all Link cared. This guy was a dick! Not only did he waste Link's time, but he wouldn't even admit that he lost.

Also, Link wasn't too keen on having his sword swung at him, especially after his shield break. After the battle, it was pretty easy to tell who the final boss would be (meanwhile, Ganondork could be heard crying in the distance).

"Things couldn't possibly get any worse..." Link mumbled as he walked outside the Skyward (FOREST) Temple.

Oh, but was Link wrong.

He made his way back up to Skyloft, hoping to at least get some downtime from "adventuring" as the game so kindly put it when he wanted to quit. When he finally made it to the small town, he ran all the way up to the statue of the goddess. After doing all the crap in there, he made his way out and saw that he could go to a new area.

Link ran out of the statue of the goddess and made his way to the gate, unfortunately, that one women what's-her-face that Link had never seen before stopped him.

"Oh, Link! I am so glad that you just so HAPPENED to be here in my time of need! Since I'm too lazy and know that you loooove pointless side quests, can you go find my daughter Kukiel?" The mother asked. Link just shrugged, he wasn't in the mood to go beat a stupid temple, anyway.

"Fine fine, do you have any clue as to where she is?" Link mumbled incoherently. However, this person magically heard him.

"Nope. Go ask around town!"

So, Link ran around town asking people where she would be. Someone said that they were playing around the graveyard and that an old man out in the sky knows where she is. When Link asked where this man would be, the person gave him the worst answer known to man.

"That Pumpkin place!" Link's eyes went wide for a moment.

"...You don't mean the one with that chandelier that I broke, do you?"

"Yep!"

"Ugh..."

0-0-0

Link landed on top of the big Pumpkin place. He looked over and noticed one of those fabbulllouuus chests nearby. Jackpot! Thank God he had bothered to actually find those stupid stones to Skyward Strike them!

When Link opened the chest, he pulled out 300 rupees! Link jumped for joy as he became overpowered by wealth!

There was only one problem.

"Master Link..." Fi started, trying to get Link out of his happy mood, but Link did not cease.

"Ahem, Master Link..." Fi said again, this time louder. But again, it did no good.

That is until Fi pulled out her megahorn.

"MASTER LINK!" Link jumped in the air in shock as if he had been thrown into a pool of lava (but we will get to that later... Believe me...)

"What do you want Nav- I mean Fi?" Link asked angrily.

"You did not listen to my many analysis and advice. Your wallet is already full, master. I think there is a 100 percent chance that you cannot carry these 300 rupees."

Link looked at Fi as if he was about to cry. He fell to his knees and began to weep.

"NOOOOO!"

0-0-0

A/N: I was planning on going further, but I figured I should end the chapter here for a not-so-long wait in updates.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go bash my face in with a crow bar.

**Edit: **For some weird reason it got rid of some of my dialogue... I am readding it as well speak.


	3. Holy Snickerdoodles, Batman! A Vampire!

A/N: You know, I thought that I should stop being lazy and update. Since school is now over I should have more free time (that is, unless I end up going on vacation...)

Thank you to all of my lovely reviewers! You guys are awesome, so, here I am presenting you with this chapter.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE~

**Disclaimer: **I do not own The Legend of Zelda, hell; I don't even own a Christmas tree!

0-0-0

Link walked stoically towards one of the entrances to the pumpkin house; he didn't even want to think about the disaster that had just fallen upon him. He would have to remember to grab one of those extra wallets from Beedle's flying store.

Link groaned, hearing Beedle go 'OOOOH' every time he looked at something was troublesome, but he wasn't too keen on falling flat on his face if he didn't buy something.

He made his way into the big pumpkin house, and looked around to find the old man that he was told about. The old man was sitting at the large round table in the middle of the room where the chandelier had fallen.

"Um, hello?" Link said a little timidly; the man looked up and seemed a little startled.

"Oh! Hello there! Would you like to hear about monsters? Good!" The man said quickly and proceeded to give Link a big long and boring rant about monsters.

"...And then I said, 'That's no vampire, that's a werewolf!' And then my friend died. True story."

"...How does that answer my question?" Link asked impatiently.

"I was just getting to that if you let me finish!" The man hissed, "Okay, so where was I? Oh yes, my friend was eaten and there was blood and guts everywhere. I decided to hide, but since it was night time, nobody would let me in their houses because they are all bastards. I went to the graveyard; it was very dark and scary, but since I am a fierce warrior –I went there anyway!" The man chuckled loudly for some weird reason that Link never bothered to comprehend. Yeesh, he wished that he could do cut scenes and have the director yell at him rather than having to listen to this guy.

"Blah blah blah blah courage blah blah blah gravestone blah blah blah demon blah blah blah potatoes blah blah blah- hey, are you even listening to me!" The man yelled, shaking Link out of his thoughts. He simply sighed.

"Yes I was listening, now how do I find this 'demon' that you keep talking about?"

"Well, go to the graveyard at night, push the gravestone closest to the tree, and the door next to it should open!"

"WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME THAT!"

"I was just reading the script."

Soon the director cut out that scene and changed the script; they then redid the scene and Link had to grin and bear it. Of course, afterwards he knocked the old man out. And then they all lived happily ever after. The e- Oh, never mind, Link still had plenty of adventuring left to do!

0-0-0

After flying through the air back to Skyloft and crashing into massive boulders along the way, Link ran into his room at the academy and decided to use the 'sleep until night' option. When he awoke, he tried to run outside through the two big doors on the main floor. When he found that it wouldn't open, he proceeded to swear loudly and colourfully.

He was so busy doing this that he had never stopped and thought that he could just try the upstairs door.

It wasn't until Pipit came out of his room in his underpants and told Link that if he didn't shut the hell up and go to sleep he would rip him a new one that Link used the power of logic. He found his way outside and ran until his stamina bar ran out, and after he recovered, he began to run again!

Once he finally made his way to the graveyard, he did just as the old man said and moved the gravestone closest to the tree. Sure enough, the door opened. He made his way down the ladder, but soon found that it would take too long so he let go.

Too bad that he forgot to pull out the sail cloth in time.

"OWWW! HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK!" He screamed as his feet hit the floor with a resounding thud. He got the director to yell cut as he nursed his hurt feet with that cream that smelt like onions and made them feel aaaaalllll better.

After doing this, he made his way to the little house and across those potentially dangerous skinny floor boards in which he came close to falling to his impending doom about ten times before he got to the end.

Once he opened the door, he was astonished at what he saw.

"OH MY GOD IT'S SANTA CLAUS!" Link yelled as he jumped and skipped around the room merrily. Link was so enthusiastic that he jumped on Santa's lap and began listing off his Christmas wishlist.

"For Christmas I want a pony named Epona, fairies named Tatl and Tael, a brand new slingshot, a shield that won't break under impact, some more jars, a new wallet, a tomato, a big bomb bag, a restraining order against Fi, a new partner besides Fi, Navi or Midna," Link paused and thought for a while, "Or just give me some super cool gun or something so I can defeat everything and become a Mary Sue!"

"Ummm... I'm sorry, I am not Santa Claus. I look nothing like Santa Claus... I'm..." He turns around suddenly and makes Link fall off of his lap, "A VAMPIRE!"

"HOLY SNICKERDOODLES, BATMAN! IT'S EDWARD CULLEN!" Link grabbed his trusty can of pepper spray that he always keeps in his leotard (Link: They're pants!) and sprayed it right in the Edward Cullen look-a-likes eyes.

"Ow! No! I am not Edward Cullen, I don't even sparkle!" The vampire tried to negotiate. Meanwhile, Kukiel was sitting in the corner, laughing maniacally and smoking a cigarette. She let out a strangled cough that alerted Link that she was there (somehow he hadn't heard all of the laughing).

"Oh, there you are!" Link stopped mid-spray to talk to Kukiel.

"Yeah yeah, tell my mom that I'll be back tomorrow." She said and coughed again.

The vampire cut back in, "Thank you for stopping... See, I was not always a vampire you know! I used to be human, but then I took an arrow to the knee!"

Link sighed at the overused meme, "Okay, then why are you a vampire?"

"Ehhh... That is hidden information and may be discussed later in the game, but I need you to do something for me to become human again! You must find these magical things called gratitude crystals. When you do sidequests and help people, you get them! Easy, right?"

Link did not look amused.

"Wait, so you're telling me that this is like a sidequest within a sidequest."

"Precisely."

"...SIDEQUESTCEPTION!" Link yelled triumphantly, "Okay, fine, I'll do it. You'll give me stuff for it, right?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's how sidequests work." The vampire nodded as he said this.

"Alllllll right, I'll go and tell Kukiel's mother that I found her!" Link strode out the door, but just as he was about to shut it he poked his head through the opening and asked, "For future reference, what is your name?"

"Batreaux."

"Okay Bateau! See you!"

0-0-0

He delivered the news to Kukiel's mother and she was very happy blah blah blah blah blah, do you really need to hear the details? Just go play the game!

Anyway, Link gathered the gratitude crystals and made his way back to Batreaux and received a medium wallet. He cursed when he realized that this would have been much more useful when he had that gold rupee!

He put his sour mood behind him and decided that it was fine time that he made his way to the Earth Temple.

0-0-0

A/N: Whew, another chapter over with. This is far too much fun to write!

Thanks for reading and please drop a review if you have time ^^


	4. The Mogmas From Hell

A/N: Gah, I really should stop procrastinating. Sorry for the really long wait, but I've been real busy and stuck on what to do. So, without further ado, here is the new chapter!

**Disclaimer:** It's called Fanfiction for a reason! Therefore, I obviously do not own Zelda!

0-0-0

Link flew down through the clouds and into the place that is Eldin Volcano. Now THIS was what he called a nice place for a temple! Link ran down the path a little ways and peered over the edge.

He was met with his arch nemesis.

Lava.

His eyes narrowed as he watched the molten red liquid bubble and pop, almost spraying him in the face. When one particular bubble popped very loudly and unexpectedly, Link jumped and yelled like a little girl.

"Master Link!" Fi called, "I would just like to tell you right now that there is a 99.9999999999999 percent chance that you will burst into flames at the most inconvenient times! Oh, and don't use your wooden shield."

Link looked at her with a blank expression, "I'm going to be on fire... Multiple times...?"

"Yes, Master Link."

"...THAT WASN'T IN THE CONTRACT!" Link stormed off to his director's trailer and began to whine and complain.

Soon, however, he was launched out of the trailer by the bodyguards of the director. The director told him to suck it up and deal with it or he could quit his job and be poor like Pipit and his mother.

Link took the first option.

This led him to making his way around the paths of the Eldin Volcano.

0-0-0

"Okay... I guess I'll just explore." Link said to himself as he made his way through the various twists and turns. He took one of the paths near the beginning of the volcano, but there were some big rocks in the way.

"Well, looks like I'll be getting bombs," Link said as he rolled his eyes. Typical.

He backpedalled and headed down another pathway, suddenly, two mole-like creatures popped up.

"WHO THE HOLY HELL ARE YOU!" One of them yelled.

"Bloody hell!" The other one yelled, "It's an elf!"

Link resisted the urge to punch the mole.

"I am not an elf," he said in a facade of calmness, "Anyway, why are you guys blocking the path?" He paused for a moment and his eyes widened, "TWO wild Snorlax's appeared! FI, I CHOOSE YOU!"

When nothing happened, the two Mogmas looked at Link as if he was an alien or something. Link, noticing his mistake, rubbed the back of his head as he tried to cover his own ass.

"I mean, um, erm, uhhhh... Hi?"

"What the hell is wrong with you, chap?"

"Yeah, who pissed in your corn flakes!" The other one quipped; Link glared at him.

"How did you hear about that? DAMN GROOSE!"

"Moving on..."

"We're supposed to tell you that there are some weird things going on around here, like, we saw some monster things that look weirder than you!"

"Weirder than me? How is that—HEY!"

Before Link could bash their faces in with his sword, the Mogmas quickly left the scene leaving a fuming Link. He made his way through the room full of the lava geysers, and after dying a painful death by fire, he found ANOTHER room full of lava.

"Why must the universe hate me... Stupid Nintendo..." Link grumbled to himself, "Now where is the door..." He looked around rapidly, but found no exit. He was just about to turn around and rage quit when the lava receded and the door was in plain view!

"OH YES!" Link squealed happily, but just as he got a few feet from the door, the lava rose and made him jump in the air and make ridiculous noises.

"AIIII CARAMBA! THAT BURNS!"

"Oh come now Master Link, I am 60 percent sure that you have burned before."

"...Where are you getting these crazy statistics from?"

"The internet."

0-0-0

"Okay, I am only going to tell you this once since I am an ass: those things over there are called bomb flowers and you just pick 'em up and throw them at the wall! Oh and you can als—"

"Yeah yeah I get it already, I've had bombs before you know!"

"Yes, but elf boy—"

"I AM NOT AN ELF!"

Link quickly grabbed a bomb and threw it at the Mogma, but it evaded and went underground. Link was pretty sure he could hear the words 'sucker.'

He shook his head and grabbed another bomb; surely he could do this like every other bomb, right?

Well, he was wrong.

"Hey Fi, how am I supposed to get the bomb in that little hole in the wall?"

"Master Link had you been listening..."

"Can it you fairy! You're almost as bad as Navi!"

As if on cue, Navi finally found Link after being fired from the Legend of Zelda franchise because of her "more annoying than helpful" ways.

"HEY! HEY! LINK! LISTEN! I'm going to help you from now on! Let's ask Saria if she knows where the third spiritual stone is!"

Link looked horrified and turned back to Fi, "NO! ANYTHING BUT NAVI!"

"Master Link... If you can get the Mogma to come back I will get rid of Navi," Fi soon added, "Forever."

Link looked at her in awe, "F-F-F-Forever?"

"Forever." Fi repeated.

Link scrambled back to the Mogmas hole, "HEEEEREEEE LITTLE MOGGY-MOGGY, COME HERE BOY!"

The Mogma peeked his head out of the burrow slightly, "Mean mister elfie here better not try anything or I am not helping him..."

"Fine fine you little mole, but I am not a damn elf!"

"Whatever you say elfie boy..."

"THAT'S IT!" Link grabbed his sword and got ready for a skyward strike, that is until Fi coughed and reminded Link of their deal.

"Ugh... Okay, what do I have to do with these bomb fliers?"

"Flowers."

"Whatever!"

The Mogma quickly disregarded the comment, "Okay, so you have to roll them." Link gave him a blank stare.

"Roll them? Why?"

The Mogma shrugged, "it's in the script."

Link sighed, "Fine fine..." He rolled the bomb and sure enough, it exploded, leaving behind 20 rupees!

"YAY! MONEEEYYY!" Link dived into the small hole and hugged his rupees tightly to his chest.

"...What a weird elf."

"Yeah..." Fi replied as she sighed. She stayed up to her end of the deal, grabbed a fly swatter, and squished Navi. Link was too busy hugging his money to notice.

0-0-0

Link sluggishly walked towards the base of the volcano. After getting the Digging Mitts and running up sand dunes, he was pretty tired. Once he saw the doors to the temple, he rejoiced, ran up, and hugged them tightly. It wasn't until he let go that he noticed that there was a huge gap in the middle of the door with some intricate shape that could only mean one thing...

"Aw I have to find a key to this place! Not again, after everything I JUST did I have to find a damned key? Well... It could be worse; the key could be in 5 different pieces ahahaha!" Link continued to laugh, that is until he looked at Fi's facial expression (or lack thereof).

"...Oh no..."

0-0-0

A/N: Oh dear that took forever... REVIEWS WILL MAKE ME UPDATE FASTER!


	5. Of Keys and Boss Battles

A/N: Two chapters in one day! I hit the 2000 word barrier on this one, so I hope it was worth the long wait :S

**Disclaimer:** I own many things; sadly, the Legend of Zelda isn't one of them.

0-0-0

"So you mean to tell me that this key is actually scattered in five different places..."

"Yes, Master Link. You can now use a dowsing ability for it, too."

"Oh great... Because we all know how much fun THAT is."

"I didn't create the game, Master Link"

Link moaned and began dowsing, the first piece of the key was easy and he dug it up in no time. He thought for a minute that all the keys could be easy to find, but then he reminded himself that he was playing the Legend of Zelda. He moaned again and dowsed for another piece. Sure enough, he looked to where the next piece was supposed to be and saw that he had to blow up some rocks to get to it.

"How the hell am I supposed to hit that! The closest bomb flower is 20 feet away and I have to throw it down there at the exact right time or it'll just roll!"

As if to confirm his suspicions, Fi added, "Yes, Master Link."

"Fine..." Link rolled up his sleeves, "Shit is getting real."

After approximately 6 and half hours of failed attempts, he finally blew up the rocks and grabbed the next piece of the key. He soon found the next one, and then all that was left were the next two.

Link made his way through a big cave with some totally weird looking bugs inside, because bugs totally love volcanoes.

He noticed that the temperature was increasing and he resisted the urge to take off his tunic; he didn't want fangirls swarming his house again. He shivered at the memory, but quickly regained his composure and walked casually into the red-looking room.

At this point in time he should have noticed that something was wrong, but it wasn't until he burst into flames that he started screaming.

"AAAHHHH WHAT KIND OF A PLACE IS THIS!" He searched for an exit and ran left to the nearest one, but some text said that it wasn't one and he should try again. He ended up running in circles and having to restart the game about 6 times until he realized that he should be running TO THE RIGHT.

As soon as he did this, he continuously mumbled profanities under his breath and skillfully found the fourth piece of the key.

Now for the elusive fifth piece...

After searching and searching, he finally found out where the fifth piece of the key was, and the only problem was that it was behind many large rocks. Link noticed the bomb flower and large hill of sand beside him and sighed, he figured out what to do.

Doing it, though, is a totally different story.

On his first attempt, he threw the bomb up the hill and it rolled, but not far enough to hit the rocks. Link grunted and tried again, and again he failed. The next time, instead of throwing the bomb he somehow swung his sword, causing the bomb to explode and send him flying into a hot pool of lava.

"AAAAH GAGAGAGA!" Link yelped as he fell into the lava. He crawled back onto land and panted, glaring at Fi the whole time.

"Hey, why did I use my sword? I was throwing my bomb not trying to do a spin attack!" Fi simply shrugged and Link tried again.

Finally, after many burns and a very annoyed Link, the key was retrieved and he brought it back to the door of the temple. He opened the door to the big temple and looked around happily, now for the boss battle!

However, when he looked around, he knew something was wrong.

"Where is the boss?" Link asked quietly, wondering if it would just jump out at him.

"Master Link," Fi spoke up, "we have just entered the temple, and the boss is at its end." Link's eyes narrowed as he thought for a moment.

"Yeah, I get that, but I had to do soooo much to get here, so can't I just skip the stupid temple and get to the boss?"

"The temple isn't that difficult or intricate, Master Link."

"Yeah yeah... And can you quit the whole '_Master Link_' thing! It's driving me nuts! How about you call me... Sir Link of Skyloft, Master of the Universe!"

"...No thank you, Master Link. I must call you that since it is in the script. Oh, and there is a 75 percent chance that I will continue to call you this."

His head dropped, "Why do I even bother?"

0-0-0

"Hey look! It's elf man!" One of the random Mogmas from earlier yells.

"I AM NOT AN ELF!"

"Yeah yeah, well imma let you finish, but there are some SERIOUSLY tough baddies around here. Unless you have a BOMB BAG you won't be able to do anything!"

"Well... You have one right?"

"...Yes"

"Can I have it?"

"I don't know, look in the script!"

Link flips through the large book of pointless dialogue and scenes, and finally finds the right one.

"Ah, here we go! Yes you do!" Link recites cheerfully, the Mogma reluctantly hands over the bag and heads back into the hole, only to be seen AFTER this whole thing is over.

0-0-0

"Hey Fi, can I just skip to the boss battle already? It's not like everything that I'm doing now is really all that interesting!"

Fi sighed, "Sure thing Master Link, let us break all of the rules and skip straight to the boss!" She said sarcastically.

Link didn't pick up on this, "NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!"

Fi sighed again, "Fine..."

0-0-0

"Mwahahahahahaha!" A voice goes on from a distance.

Link looks up to the large skeleton of a dragon, and in seeing his worst nightmare, begins to complain.

"Oh hell no... What are _you_ doing here?" Link asks in a whiny tone.

"I, Demon Lord Ghirahim, am here to destroy you... You... Let me see... No, that's not it. This is so very embarrassing, but I seem to be at a loss for your name. Not that it matters reall—"

"GET TO THE POINT ALREADY!"

"Shut up! I'm in the middle of useless dialogue and character development elfie-poo!"

"For the last time, I AM NOT AN ELF!"

"Anyway, as I was saying. To tell you the truth, I'm feeling a bit frustrated, and right now I just need someone to vent to." Ghirahim went on.

"Why me? I thought you hated me..." Link asked with a confused expression.

"LET ME FINISH!" Ghirahim coughed, "As I was saying, I heard my underlings had finally captured the spirit maiden, so of course I rushed over here. What can I say? I was excited. Flustered even..."

"Oh dear goddess..."

He ignored Link's random comments and continued as if it was nothing, "But what did I find when I arrived? That agent of the goddess..."

"Yesss?"

"She had once again..."

"HOLD IT!" Link yelled Phoenix Wright style, "the text is too small for me to read!"

"OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! THAT SHEIKAH PERSON ESCAPED WITH PRINCESS ZELDA AND I AM ANGRY! I NEED HER FOR MY PLAN AND I NEED HER **NOW.**"

Link backed away slowly with his arms raised in front of him, "Okay Ghira-whatever, there is no need to get upset with me just because I foiled your evil plans and all..."

Ghirahim coughed suddenly and started again, "Sorry, it's a... character flaw of mine!"

Fi shook her head sadly, "Oh no... The poor fourth wall..."

"AS I WAS SAYING! At least now I can release my anger... because after all, apparently your agony is such a stress reliever."

Link's jaw dropped, "The script does not say that..."

"Yes actually, it does."

Link flipped through the pages, "Well wouldn't you know it..."

Ghirahim kept speaking, but Link was too absorbed in the absurdity of the script that he didn't notice Ghirahim snapping and the boss appearing.

...That is until it rolled at him.

Link quickly jumped out of the way upon reflex and screamed like a little girl, too bad the music covered it up. When Link looked at the boss, he was met with a very pleasant sight.

Scaldera, the very large ball of molten lava and fire with a rocky crust, looked down at Link with malice.

"Um, Fi? Maybe this wasn't such a good idea... I mean really, what IS that?"

"Master Link, that is Scaldera. That is all the information I have for you right now."

Link turned and looked at her as if she was crazy, "Wait wait wait, so you aren't going to help me?"

"Not yet, Master Link."

"W-W-Why not?"

"Because I have not gained an analysis of the creature yet."

"Check the script!"

"That would be cheating, Master Link."

"As if skipping straight to the boss battle WASN'T cheating? Nintendo has some weird logic going on... I almost wish I had Nav—I MEAN! I love you Fi!"

"Damn right you do, Master Link." Fi nodded and went back into the sword. Link gulped and looking around quickly, noticing all of the bombs scattered around.

"Weeeeeellll judging by all the bombs, I'm guessing I need to throw them at him..."

Before he could move, however, Scaldera ran up using its four legs at the speed of a rocket. Link yelped and sprinted up the hill, noticing his stamina draining fast. He quickly turned around to pull his shield out to endure the hit, but before he could do so, Scaldera hit one of the bombs and rolled back down the hill.

"Wait... So if I wanted to, I could just grab a chair right here and not have to worry about getting hit? SWEET!"

"Um, Master Link I should probably warn you that—"

"Now you want to warn me? Too late," Link grabbed a chair out of his tunic where he seems to keep everything and sprawls out comfortably. That is, until a huge-ass fireball comes along and smokes him in the face.

"FI! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!"

Fi sighed and shook her head for the millionth time, "You need better listening skills..." Link grumbled his response and began to defeat the boss by throwing bombs and striking the extremely not obvious weak point continuously until finally defeating the large creature.

"Okay! I killed the thing... Now what?" Link said proudly. Fi simply pointed towards the glowing door at the top of the stage.

"Oh, Right!" Link ran up the long stage, almost running out of stamina along the way.

He was surprised at what he saw when he opened the door.

"HEY! IT'S ZELDA!" He exclaimed louder than necessary, "Wait, I beat the game already? WHOOOO NO MORE INJURY FOR ME!" He yelled happily.

"Link!" Zelda said with a smile on her face, Link was still beaming from the prospect of beating the game.

Link was just about to run up and swing her around while cheering about how he was done and could finally take a break, but a hand was brought up by Impa.

"Hold on a minute, you look familiar..." Link said carefully, "Wait, Impa? Weren't you in Ocarina of Time?"

"Sup Link. Yeah, of course I'm in this! This is the prequel, after all."

Link stopped dead in his tracks, "...Prequel? To a game that came out forever ago?"

Impa shrugged, "Nintendo logic." Link nodded his head in understanding.

"Anyway, sorry to burst your bubble, but the game isn't over. Bye Link!" Zelda skipped off into the light, leaving a flabbergasted Link behind.

"B-B-B-B-B-But I thought..."

"You thought wrong. Now, according to the script I have to be cruel and tell you straight up that you failed. Also, I'm going to foreshadow future events by talking about 'trials' and all that stuff. You know, blah blah blah gotta go, byeee!" Impa then ran off into the light, leaving Link's jaw unhinged and totally speechless.

"Well... That was... Unexpected..."

He stood there a minute, coming down from the shock at the previous events.

"Oh well, time to finish this up." Link hopped on all the stones like a child and used his Skyward Strike on the symbol like before. Link quickly checked the script at what to do next.

"Okay, it says I have to look sad, and Fi will start dancing... Great..."

Fi started to do Riverdance, but Link was too busy sulking from rejection to notice.


End file.
